[I read Jessy’s post after I decided to write about this, but I like that we’re sharing similar experiences right now. Boys and tacos, girl. Boys and tacos.]
I made a vow that I was going to stay away from guys, until…….I feel ready for them (with the exception of peeping in on my lovely twitter crush, @PhilthePill).
It wasn’t like a new year’s resolution or anything, more like a revelation I stumbled upon back in February.
See, I know that I hate being alone, and that hatred has propelled a lot of my friendships. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the people I’ve surrounded myself with. (All both of them.) However, my luck when it comes to developing meaningful, lasting, intimate relationships has never been on point. Since I’m the common denominator, I thought it best to take a step back.
Flirting is like a pastime of mine. I love playing the game, the back and forth. I love the chase. It’s good fun. Completely entertaining. But of course, I have found myself in some weird/uncomfortable situations because of it. No bueno. Last summer, I was talking with two friends of mine. Both of them admitted to having grade school crushes on me. I knew about them, but what I didn’t know was that they, along with most of the other boys I dealt with, considered me a tease. When I look back, I was selfish, and just manipulated everyone’s hormones for my personal entertainment. Granted, I was younger and dealing with my own hormones. But, the problem is that I never grew out of that teasing phase. Now, I find myself still working guys up until I’m psychologically satisfied. I don’t think I’m a prude by any means, but my agenda wasn’t to end up in some hookup. It was just to feel desired, unobtainable, and validated. It was (and still is) a sick mind game, I admit, but I’m trying to get better.
Honestly, I’ve had a couple of relapses since I’ve made the promise to myself. But, even with my backslides, I’m still pretty proud; I’ve been holding myself accountable, turning down drunken offers, and overall, validating myself. For every slip up I have, there’s a tiny success in controlling myself around each attractive fellow.
So yeah, I’ve decided to sit on the bench for a while, figure myself out, and not spend so much time obsessing over guys. Flirting is still allowed, though (Can’t stop cold turkey. I’m still me, come on.) But for the past forever, the term “boy crazy” readily applied to my life and now, I want to spend my time doing other things; I need somewhere else to place my thoughts.